At about 1 AM last night my daughter phoned me from New Zealand. It could only mean one thing. “Congratulations!” she told me. “You’re a granddad!”
A healthy mother, a healthy boy. Oh, happy day!
Okay, now that I’m a granddad, I need to take my responsibilities seriously. The Little Guy is setting out into a whole new unexplored territory called life and needs all the help he can get. As the newly-designated Elder in the family, it is my duty to dispense the wisdom that will see him through his journey. Thus ...
An Elder’s Advice to His New Grandson
- Remember, Hannibal never won a battle with his elephants.
- No one cares if you spell, “opthamologist” right - except for optha ... whatever.
- Men often don’t think with their brains. That’s why we have dicks.
- Our purpose here on earth is to laugh at farts.
- There will be many many more James Bond movies during your life, but the one constant is that Ursula Andress will always be the all-time number one Bond girl.
- He or she who presumes to understand God is a fraud.
- Same applies to guys who think they understand women.
- Remember, no one gives a shit about you.
- That way, the people who matter will all give a shit about you.
- When you reach into your pocket searching for a one dollar bill and all you can come up with is twenties - try not to express your disappointment.
- Don’t waste your time trying to “get” toilet seat covers.
- Never get in a fight with idiots - they don’t know how to stop.
- The Wise Man knows when to quit while he’s behind.
- This is doubly true in any arguments with women.
- We are who we pretend to be. You can’t go wrong pretending to be JFK or Martin Luther King.
- A blind man can beat Tiger Woods in golf at night.
- If you challenge Tiger Woods to a game - make sure it’s not golf.
- Caviar is fine, but peanut butter will always be your friend.
- You are but a mere speck in the vast universe.
- A mere speck contains a whole universe.
You have the best mom and dad in the whole world. Trust me, they love cleaning your poop.
With love ...