Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Rerun: Advice to a New Grandson

The other night, I booked my ticket to New Zealand to see the cutest grandbaby in the world. I've been eagerly looking forward to this since late Sept, when little Teddy made his arrival. I'll be visiting the end of July. This piece dates from soon after I received the good news ...

At about 1 AM last night my daughter phoned me from New Zealand. It could only mean one thing. “Congratulations!” she told me. “You’re a granddad!”

A healthy mother, a healthy boy. Oh, happy day!

Okay, now that I’m a granddad, I need to take my responsibilities seriously. The Little Guy is setting out into a whole new unexplored territory called life and needs all the help he can get. As the newly-designated Elder in the family, it is my duty to dispense the wisdom that will see him through his journey. Thus ...

An Elder’s Advice to His New Grandson
  1. Remember, Hannibal never won a battle with his elephants.
  2. No one cares if you spell, “opthamologist” right - except for optha ... whatever.
  3. Men often don’t think with their brains. That’s why we have dicks.
  4. Our purpose here on earth is to laugh at farts.
  5. There will be many many more James Bond movies during your life, but the one constant is that Ursula Andress will always be the all-time number one Bond girl.
  6. He or she who presumes to understand God is a fraud.
  7. Same applies to guys who think they understand women.
  8. Remember, no one gives a shit about you.
  9. That way, the people who matter will all give a shit about you.
  10. When you reach into your pocket searching for a one dollar bill and all you can come up with is twenties - try not to express your disappointment.
  11. Don’t waste your time trying to “get” toilet seat covers.
  12. Never get in a fight with idiots - they don’t know how to stop.
  13. The Wise Man knows when to quit while he’s behind.
  14. This is doubly true in any arguments with women.
  15. We are who we pretend to be. You can’t go wrong pretending to be JFK or Martin Luther King.
  16. A blind man can beat Tiger Woods in golf at night.
  17. If you challenge Tiger Woods to a game - make sure it’s not golf.
  18. Caviar is fine, but peanut butter will always be your friend.
  19. You are but a mere speck in the vast universe.
  20. A mere speck contains a whole universe.
And finally ...

You have the best mom and dad in the whole world. Trust me, they love cleaning your poop.

With love ...

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