Thursday, May 14, 2009

Star Trek: How I Outwitted Spock and Almost (but not Quite) Saved the World

Here I am in the movie Star Trek trying to explain the concept of peanut butter to an incredulous Spock.

"Peanut butter is not logical," Spock keeps telling me.

"You of all people would know that peanut butter is logical," I retort. "And if your mother truly loved you, you would feel the same way about peanut butter that I do."

Spock is valiantly trying not to give in to his anger. Although he identifies as a Vulcan his deceased mother was human. Earlier in the movie, his Vulcan father informed him he had a choice between two paths in life, his rational Vulcan self or his emotional human self.

Neither is right or wrong, he informs his son. Both have advantages and disadvantages. Head or heart. Informed decision or gut.

So, here we are - Spock and me - on the bridge of the starship Enterprise. The Romulan renegade Nero has just destroyed Spock's planet and Earth is next. But first, time for a sandwich.

Spock keeps trying to explain that Cardassian tofu is logical.

"Yeh," I reply. "But it tastes like shit." I mean, seriously, have you ever seen a happy Cadassian?

"What does happiness have to do with it?" Spock shoots back at me.

Now I know I have him. Spock's finally-honed logarithmic sensibility is blind to our world of emotion. It represents a variable he cannot factor into his equations, which renders him totally vulnerable to my manipulations.

"Maybe you'd be happy and much better adjusted," I fire back at him, "if the milk coming out of your dead mother's breast didn't taste like Cardassian tofu."

As you recall, this was the dramatic high point of the movie.

"You and your peanut butter can go f___ yourself!" Spock rails at me. For a nerdy Vulcan, let me tell you Spock knows how to land a punch.

Of course, having gone postal on me, Spock has no choice but to relinquish his command to me. Here you see me in the captain's chair plotting our next course of action. The bridge, as you will note, is empty. The crew has sided with Spock and abandoned ship en masse. It's just me standing in the way of the evil Romulan Nero.

The entire fate of the world is resting on my ability to anticipate my opponent.

Unfortunately, I got something like a 450 on my math SAT. Instead of intercepting Nero inside the orbit of Mars, I plot a course for the moons of Pluto.

By now, you all know the tragic result. The earth got destroyed, along with Klingon and all the planets in the Federation. So, here we are, all adrift in this strange realm called the Blogosphere. Look, I'm really sorry.

If only I had studied harder in school.

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