Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Landmark National Gorilla Suit Day Study Yields Breakthrough Insights into Human Behavior

A Knowledge is Necessity Exclusive

The research community is abuzz with reports of a series of studies that are scheduled to appear in Nature, the journal that published Watson and Crick's landmark DNA findings in 1953. Scientists are unanimous in their view that the current findings are equally significant.

Says Dunstar Fobash MD, PhD, Director of the Kuhn Institute of Advanced Paradigms affiliated with MIT and Princeton: "These discoveries will change the way we think about everything, literally - everything."

Researchers from the National University of Mongolia surveyed a large population of people who wore gorilla suits to work on National Gorilla Suit Day, then tracked their progress over ten years. Each year, the subjects and their families were administered a battery of innovative medical and psychological exams that included sophisticated genetic testing and brain scans in the University's state-of-the-art facilities.

National Gorilla Suit Day is the 1964 brainchild of the late Mad Magazine cartoonist Don Martin, and is celebrated worldwide every Jan 31. In Mongolia, National Gorilla Suit Day is a national institution, equating to Halloween. In Ulan Bator, the capital, virtually the entire population turns out to work in gorilla suits.

Because Ulan Bator has the lowest average temperature of any capital city in the world, many residents wear their gorilla suits year round, thus affording scientists a rare and unprecedented research opportunity. According to experts, the "Ulan Bator Gorilla Suit Cohort" represents by far the largest and most comprehensive human study population in the world.

"The potential for mind-boggling discoveries to come from this study is literally mind-boggling," says Dyson Freeman, the 2003 recipient of the Nobel Prize in Sociology and Mathematics.

Some of the early findings from the study include:
  • Nerds and geeks can get laid any time they want. It's just that they don't want to get laid.
  • A nerd is an individual not smart enough to be a geek.
  • The discovery of the previously thought to be inconceivable "Theta Male." Think Henry Kissinger meets Janet Reno.
  • The identity of a mysterious region in the male brain comprising just two neurons. When it comes to all matters related to sex, these two neurons override the 100 billion other neurons in the brain.
  • Females have a similar two-neuron region in the brain thought to be related to shopping.
  • The discovery of a "biological hour glass," located in the same region of the brain as the "biological clock." According to preliminary findings, the human race is programmed to become extinct in the next three to three hundred years, which ever comes first.
  • The possibility of a "biological hand" in the brain to turn over the biological hour glass. Other scientists believe that the "biological hand" may have more to do with a yet-to-be-discovered new source of male orgasm.
Researchers acknowledge one major weakness in the study. In 2004, the Mongolian government declared National Gorilla Suit Day an official holiday, which meant all places of work closed down for the day. In 2005, the government realized this defeated the purpose of the holiday, which is all about wearing gorilla suits to work.

"Talk about all dressed up and nowhere to go," remarked Jugderdemidiyn Gurragcha PhD, who headed up the study. "But pissed off people in gorilla suits make an interesting study in themselves. Especially the Theta males."

The first of the studies from the Ulan Bator Gorilla Suit Cohort is scheduled to appear in Nature on April 25, exactly 56 years from the date of the historic publication of Watson and Crick's, "Molecular Structure of Deoxypentose Nucleic Acids."

1 comment:

Louise Woo said...

It may be April, but I'm no FOOL! HA! Very Funny, McMan.