Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Breaking News: Psychiatry Comes Up With New Diagnosis of Asshole


A Knowledge is Necessity exclusive.

In a surprise move expected to be announced shortly, the American Psychiatric Association's Task Force responsible for overseeing the revision of the DSM - psychiatry's diagnostic bible - has come up with the new diagnosis of "Asshole."

Unlike other disorders, episodes, types, and specifiers listed in the DSM, the diagnosis of Asshole fails to mention any symptoms. Nor does it offer a description of the illness.

"Let's put it this way," said E Pontius Paella MD, director of the Darwin Awards Treatment Center at Johns Hopkins and member of the working group that came up with the new diagnosis, "you know one when you see one."

The new diagnosis is the result of heated discussion throughout the Task Force's many working groups, in particular the one responsible for updating the bipolar diagnosis. According to bipolar group member S Belinda Humphries MD of the University of Northern South Dakota, speaking strictly off the record: "We were sick of hearing from our bipolar patients about the bad rap they were getting as a result of Assholes who had mistakenly been diagnosed as bipolar."

Leading bipolar patient advocate Phil Toogood was ecstatic over the news. "It's about time," he commented. "Since the dawn of history we've been putting up with their shit. Every time someone does some asshole thing, people automatically assume the jerk must be bipolar. Maybe now the public won't confuse us."

It isn't just bipolars. Reports Charles Manson from his prison cell: "For years, assholes have been giving us sociopaths a bad name."

The illness is considered chronic and untreatable. When asked to give an example, Dr Paella commented, "That's easy. Rush Limbaugh. Say no more." Dr Paella did add that Assholes can go on to lead productive lives. "Look at all those idiot commentators on Fox News," he observed. "See, there is hope."

When advised that not every Asshole can aspire to a position on Fox News, Dr Paella replied: "No problem. They can always become antipsychiatry bloggers."

The new diagnosis of Asshole is expected to become official in 2012, when the American Psychiatric Association is scheduled to publish the fifth edition of the DSM.

11 comments:

David K said...

Accolades. Kudos. Perfect. You blasted assholes, fox commentators AND anti-psych schmucks in ONE very funny essay. Bravo!

Michelle said...

That was brilliant. Thanks John!

Yanni Malliaris said...

brilliant lol :) yanni

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh. I needed one today :)

cretin said...

But would the assholes realize they are assholes and seek treatment. My experience is assholes lack insight.

John McManamy said...

Hey, Cretin. Rolling in the aisles. :)

Cristina Romero-Sierra said...

OMG! LMAO! Bang on!

Wendy-Gaye said...

they must be psychotic then...

Kiley said...

Oh. My. GOD!!! This absolutely cracks me up!!!

Gina Pera said...

Very clever, John, and spot on!

I've found the same is true with ADHD: The self-centered jerks who seek to make a living (or make a name for themselves) by being ADHD-denyers or hardline ADHD-is-a-Gifters make it hard for everyone else with ADHD. They aren't "advocating" for anything but their own deluded egos, IMHO.

They deserve a separate DSM category all their own.

Gian Pera said...

P.S. Love the photo!