Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Darwin Awards Committee has announced that its top prize for 2009 goes to prominent antipsychiatry spokesperson, Clovis Bullright.
The Darwin Awards honor people who "do a service to Humanity by removing themselves from the gene pool."
The 55-year-old Mr Bullright has specialized in taking himself out of the gene pool his entire adult life through behavior seemingly designed to repel the opposite sex. A new psychiatric diagnosis in his honor is scheduled to appear in the next edition of the DSM in 2012.
Nevertheless, Mr Bullright refuses to acknowledge anything out of the ordinary about his Guinness World Record list of symptoms, much less take medications or enter therapy. "People who value individuality," he once wrote from jail, "don't complain when you leave a turd on the table."
Mr Bullright found his niche in the antipsychiatry movement, where thinking is not a requirement. Over the years, he has built up a following of people who subscribe to his beliefs that Big Pharma is responsible for the future assassination of JFK.
"It's simple," he explained. "Lee Harvey Oswald spelled backwards is Zyprexa."
His book, "You Can All Gargle Razor Blades," is regarded as an antipsychiatry classic.
Unfortunately for Mr Bullright - but fortunately for the genetic future of humankind - his success as an antipsychiatrist does not translate well in the real world. "What part of 'nice boob job' don't women understand?" he once said from the back of a police car.
Nevertheless, the year started out on a promising note when Mr Bullright entered an email relationship with a woman also not on meds. "You would almost look passable if you stuck your face in a wind turbine," he is reported as saying by way of introduction.
His correspondent interpreted this as a declaration of love, and in no time the two agreed to meet up in a secluded section of the local park.
At the appointed hour, the woman rode up on a bicycle, jumped off, removed her clothes, and invited him to "take anything you want."
Mr Bullright took the bicycle and rode off, thereby permanently removing himself from the gene pool.