The Onion: 98% Of Babies Bipolar

According to a Science and Technology news brief in yesterday's The Onion:

"A new study published in The Journal Of Pediatric Medicine found that a shocking 98 percent of all infants suffer from bipolar disorder."

According to The Onion:

"'The majority of our subjects, regardless of size, sex, or race, exhibited extreme mood swings, often crying one minute and then giggling playfully the next,' the study's author Dr. Steven Gregory told reporters."

Additionally ...

"'We found that most babies had trouble concentrating during the day, often struggled to sleep at night, and could not be counted on to take care of themselves—all classic symptoms of manic depression.'"

Not only that ...

"Gregory added that nearly 100 percent of infants appear to suffer from the poor motor skills and impaired speech associated with Parkinson's disease."

Readers may recall that in May 2001, The Onion broke the story, "God Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder," noting that:

"In a diagnosis that helps explain the confusing and contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled philosophers, theologians, and other students of the human condition for millennia, God, creator of the universe and longtime deity to billions of followers, was found Monday to suffer from bipolar disorder."