Sunday, June 7, 2009

Oprah Absolutely Totally Endorses Me - Well, Sort Of











My last blog was entitled, Oprah is an Unmitigated Idiot and a Menace to Society. Perhaps, I was being too harsh. After all, at the time I was as bitter as the Phantom of the Opera. A bit of background:

In Oct 2006, HarperCollins published my book, "Living Well with Depression and Bipolar Disorder: What Your Doctor Doesn't Tell You ... That You Need to Know." The book drew an unprecedented range of endorsements, including psychiatric experts (such as Frederick Goodwin MD, former head of the NIMH), advocates (such as Susan Bergeson, at the time President of DBSA), authors (such as Pete Early, who wrote "Crazy"), and alternative/complementary practitioners (such as Amy Weintraub, author of "Yoga for Depression").

But apparently, my book was not Oprah-worthy, and for more than two years I have been prowling the underground catacombs of Paris fantasizing my revenge. Then, suddenly, the other day, in the middle of a tenor solo, I had an epiphany, a realization, a sudden change of heart. Rather than crash a chandelier (or, alternatively, an overhead studio light) on Oprah's head, instead I would write a book that would do her proud, and today I'm pleased to announce the happy outcome:

"The Dihydrogen Oxide Cure: Nature's Boner-Popping Miracle Answer to Depression, Aging, Heart Disease, Obesity, Wrinkles, Memory Loss, Impotence, and Just About Everything, Totally."

Dihydrogen oxide is one hundred percent natural, and is found in all of nature. Dihydrogen oxide accounts for 70 percent of our body weight at birth, but as we age the percentage drops to around 60 percent. Without dihydrogen oxide, we would all die. Life on the planet would cease.

Yesterday, I finished taping my first Oprah show, and five more are in the works. My people and her people are negotiating a spin-off series. The first show should air any day now. Following is a partial transcript:

Oprah: "Today's show is entirely devoted to John McManamy, author of "The Dihydrogen Oxide Cure" (holding up book). I am absolutely blown away by this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, if women could pop boners I'd be popping one right now."

John McManamy: "Thank you, Oprah. That's a real nice outfit you have on, by the way."

Oprah: "You like it? But you know what? I used to look like a frump in this exact same get-up until I tried your Dihydrogen Oxide Cure. Suddenly, I started drinking about seven or eight glasses a day like you recommended, and, I mean my life has totally - totally - absolutely, totally absolutely, turned around. John, can you explain how dihydrogen oxide works? Oh, and do you have an easier-to-pronounce name for it?"

John McManamy: "Well, Oprah, since I see dihydrogen oxide as nature's miracle answer, I like to call it "Namirans," which by the way is the name of my dihydrogen oxide cure product, available in all health food stores.

Oprah: (Holding up bottle.) "'McMan's Namirans', to be more precise. One hundred percent natural. Just four dollars a bottle. And you can also order it online by going to John's website at mcmanweb.com."

John McManamy: "Anyway, Oprah, did you know that Namirans forms the basis of just about all of our medicines, both pharmaceutical and alternative?"

Oprah: "You mean even naturopathic?"

John McManamy: "Exactly. It's the major ingredient in everything we take to get us better. Not only that, it's the major ingredient in everything we eat and drink. So I was thinking - if this is the one ingredient common to everything, literally everything, why mess around with all the other stuff, such as additives that can be bad for you. Suppose, just suppose, we could isolate this compound? Then people could enjoy the one hundred percent Namirans experience."

Oprah: "This is amazing. How come we've never heard of it, before?"

John McManamy: "Well, Oprah, as you know doctors would be out of jobs if everyone were healthy. And because the stuff is one hundred percent natural, the drug companies don't have a patent on it."

Oprah: "Okay, John, before you go on, the entire medical profession is calling you a fraud. I have three Nobel Prize winners in the audience ready to totally rebut your claims. What do you have to say to them?"

John McManamy: "Well, Oprah, I know that Namirans sounds too good to be true, but the fact remains that we could not live one minute without it ..."

Oprah: "Say no more, John. And when it comes time to call upon these quacks, namely ten seconds before we're due to break into a commercial, I'll be sure to treat them with a total lack of respect."

John McManamy: "As you so totally should, Oprah. I mean, after all, you're Oprah. By the way, those are totally bomb ass earrings you're wearing."

Oprah: "Why, thank you, John. And you're quite the bomb yourself. Now, John, this is going to sound weird, but the other night I took a bath in your product. It's hard to describe, it was like a ... cleansing ... experience."

John McManamy: "There's no end of uses to Namirans, Oprah. You should see the fan mail I'm getting from people all over the world. A lady in New Zealand is using it to grow her plants - really, I'm not making this up. Someone in Massachusetts is actually cleaning his car with it. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Speaking of icebergs, did you know that Namirans is the main ingredient in icebergs, both Arctic and Antarctic?

Oprah: "Get ... out ... of ... here! I have to hear more about this! But first commercials. Next up. Elizabeth Taylor and her miracle Namirans story, and how Angelina Jolie is using Namirans to promote world peace. John, we have twenty seconds before we cut into commercials. Tell us real quick about your other product."

John McManamy: "Oh, you must mean my special avocado crotch rub ... "

Oprah: "You mean you rub it into your crotch?"

John McManamy: "No, Oprah, you have someone else rub it into your crotch."

Oprah: (In total admiration.) "John, you are a true boner-popper. Perhaps you can demonstrate it on me after the show. Ladies and gentlemen, the great, totally mind-blowing, John McManamy!"

***

Hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. And don't forget to order McMan's Water, I mean, uh, McMan's Namirans - nature's miracle dihydrogen oxide cure - today.

18 comments:

Amy said...

I had a false Coke-Zero-out-the-nose moment when I misread "a lady from New Zealand is using it to grow her PANTS" (emphasis mine -- YOU were correct in writing plants, but my misreading was, well, kind of embarrassingly funny). You're right. Who would want to be on Doprah anyway, unless it was death match: John v. the annoying, self-righteous branch of anti-psychiatry-as-opposed-to-the-reasonable-branch-focused-on-reform.

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

giggle

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

OH! Wait!! I have to say this. My verification code for the previous comment was, wait for it, grailish as if the Great Blogger itself were endorsing your product, McMann's Namirans as Holy Grailish or like the Holy Grail.

double giggle

John McManamy said...

Hey, Amy. There was actually a man who grew his "pants," but that was with the avocado crotch rub. :)

John McManamy said...

Hey, Sophie. Too funny about the "grailish." I did neglect to mention that McMan's Namirans comes in grail-shaped bottles, as befits a product that is the Holy Grail of miracle frauds - uh - cures.

herb said...

John,

I'll buy a case of Namirans.

Kindly ship it overnight to Dawdy.

I think it'll do him some serious good. It might even get him to lighten up and see some good in this world?

Thanks for the chuckle. It's healthy, in my opinion, to have a good sense of humor and I do appreciate yours.

Warmly,
Herb
VNSdepression.com

John McManamy said...

Hi, Herb. You might want to wait for my arsenic-scented Namirans. :)

Gina Pera said...

LOL!! In icebergs, too, no less! That's really cosmic.

John McManamy said...

That's right, Gina. Icebergs. And thanks to my new secret patented iceberg-extraction process, soon you will be enjoying McMan's New Iceberg Lemon-Scented Namirans, made from all-natural icebergs. Pre-order now.

Gianna said...

have you seen Oprah's shows on bipolar?? you'd love them...she eats up the biomedical model and had a handful of celebrities on saying how meds saved them from a life of violence...she's getting a lot of crap just because she SOMETIMES strays from the norm...she by no means does all the time.

I was horrified by her coverage, though I imagine if you saw it you would have liked it...it was about 2 years ago...complete with Kay Redfield Jamison.

John McManamy said...

Hey, Gianna. Click on the link in the first sentence of this piece. This links to a piece in which I comment on the exact same show you mention here. I don't know how you can even presume to imagine I would have liked the show - it made our population out to be a bunch of baby-killers. I'm sure Dr Jamison feels embarrassed to have been part of this travesty.

It makes no difference what Oprah's views may be at any given time. She is totally ignorant and clueless and has no business even hinting how we should run our lives.

Gianna said...

good! sorry to have made an inaccurate assumption...I have gleaned from your writing elsewhere that you liked Kay Redfield Jamison...perhaps that is why I made the assumption...

I have no idea what she thought of the show but know that in general I don't like what she has to say as a representative of those who are labeled with bipolar.

John McManamy said...

Hi, Gianna. I very much admire Dr Jamison. Her contributions to the field have been extraordinary, she has dedicated her life to improving ours, she has walked in our shoes, and the successful life she leads is an inspiration.

I find a lot of the criticism about her comes in the way of extremely offensive cheapshots by people struggling with their own personal issues (I don't need to mention names here.)

I appreciate that many people may not see eye to eye with everything Dr Jamison stands for (neither to I, for that matter, but it would be a very dull world if we all thought alike), but we can debate that stuff on an issue-by-issue basis rather than attacking her as a person or the people who have good reason to admire her.

Oprah, on the other hand - she made us out to be baby-killers, and I cannot register my disgust in strong enough terms.

Anyway, I welcome your input. The issues are complex. No one individual has all the answers, so we need to hear all well-reasoned viewpoints.

Gianna said...

she has done nothing to improve my life...please don't include me


(if I'm right in thinking your use of the word "ours" includes me)

I try not to make cheap shots but I don't find any of her work terribly inspiring.

there is no doubt she has achieved a whole lot in the eyes of many in spite of her mental suffering, but beyond that I don't agree with or support any of her work.

Anonymous said...

Naming Binary molecule follows this role.

The least electronegative atom are name first and the other atom is modify with the suffix -ide . IF the are more than one atom which made up the Least electronegative part of the molecule it is number with Greek numerical prefix.

H2O Di-hydrogen oxide. Note Hydrogen is least electronegative than oxygen

Thus Di-hydrogen oxide is the Systematic nomenclature name for water

Anonymous said...

It makes such sense that medication dosage plays a huge part in bp stability. Oh how I suffer depression, yet dead on the other end. I have lost my creativity, clear eyesite and memory. I have hypomania or the angry, mean part. My doctor has me on: 2.5 100 mg lamotrigine/lamectal, 3 150 mg of budeprion SR/wellbutrim, 2-1mg of clonazepam/klonapin, 3 20mg aterall / amphetamine salts, This is daily. Does anyone have any comments that may help.

Anonymous said...

Have you guys ever seen the Penn & Teller episode of (pardon my language) Bullshit! where they go to a concert and have folks SIGN A PETITION to actually *GET RID OF* dihydrogen monoxide?!? HILARIOUS!!!!

John McManamy said...

Hi, Anonymous. Hilarious. Dihydrogen oxide is the main ingredient in acid rain - imagine. :)