Letter From an Asshole

Yesterday, I published two April Fools pieces on assholes (Imaging Studies Reveal Brains of Assholes, Psychiatry Come Up With New Diagnosis of Asshole). Naturally, I expected assholes to take offense, and sure enough ...

Dear Sir:

Speaking as an asshole, I take extreme umbrage to your posts. Just because we treat people like shit doesn't mean we're full of shit. We are people, too, and we expect you to treat us much differently than we would treat you.

Don't you realize? You and everyone else are mere outer planets in my universe. Not even a gas giant. Not even a moon rock. Not even a piece of Pluto that has been demoted to renegade asteroid status. No, more like a cosmic speck of dust, and the lowest order cosmic speck of dust at that. Sort of like a molecular splinter of a dirty space-floating chunk of ice.

For your information, I'll have you know, Assholes are very compassionate. Why just the other day, I suppressed the urge to jump the curb and run over a mother with her baby, fucking mewling screeching poop machine. The only thing they're good for is as the main ingredient on Iron Chef. Roast rack of baby with rosemary, now we're talking.

But do they ever put me on the short list for a Nobel Prize? Me, with all the abuse I have to put up with? Just yesterday, some diphthong-mangling, border-jumping, Obama-loving excuse of a waiter actually had the effrontery to serve me water in a wine glass.

How the hell was I supposed to react? Of course I made him rue the day he was born. You'd think the patrons in the restaurant would have supported me in my moment of need, but no, they were whispering and looking at me. ME!

As if I were the one who did something wrong. No, all they see is me summoning the manager and saying in a very loud voice that even the slop-ladlers in the kitchen can hear that I will call the health authorities and have them shut down their filthy cockroach-infested excuse of a Dairy Queen if he doesn't fire Gunga Din immediately.

What they didn't see was that I generously tipped the ungrateful wretch one dollar.

See, a regular Mother Teresa I am, and my therapist agrees with me. She better, the bitch. She's the third one I've had in three months and she can be replaced and she knows it. Christ! I've texted her eleven times in the last 20 minutes. Why isn't she responding?

Damn! I just noticed I forgot to put my ice cream back in the freezer. The price I paid for this yuppie shit named in honor of some over-rated dead rock star, the stuff shouldn't melt. Cherry Garcia, my ass. I'm going to file a class-action law suit.

Well, that completely shoots my day to hell. Should I call my reiki specialist to say I'm not coming in? No, not my problem.

Anyway, I trust you have an appreciation for what Assholes have to endure. Why I had to point this out to you is beyond my comprehension, but then again coming from a lowly piece of space junk like yourself, don't get me started.

Respectfully yours ...

Rerun: New Imaging Studies Reveal Brains of Assholes

In a study about to be published in "Nature," researchers at the NIMH reveal the first-ever fMRI scans of assholes at work.

Said lead researcher Y Mee MD, PhD, "We've always known an asshole when we see one, but it never occurred to us to actually scan their brains. I mean, seriously, who would want to?"

Nevertheless, the researchers overcame their strong revulsion and recruited 10 assholes plus 10 control subjects.

"I mean - crap - I was ready to quit my job in the first five minutes of the study," said co-author I Hadinoff PhD. First the assholes filled out their intake forms completely wrong, then abused the staff when they had to fill them out again. Next, they kept pushing and shoving to be the first one into the MRI machine. But once in, they couldn't stop complaining.

This posed a special difficulty because study protocol required that first the assholes' brains be scanned while in a resting state.

"So here we are," said Dr Hadinoff, "having to be nice to these fucking assholes. No sooner do I get one calmed down than another one gets started, and next thing they're all setting each other off like mousetraps going off in a room."

One asshole lady complained that her no-good son-in-law refused to finish cleaning the leaves out of her gutter, as he had promised. A world-class therapist had to be called in to remind the individual that her son-in-law had fallen off the ladder while she was shaking it and had cracked nine vertebrae and would be a quadriplegic the rest of his life.

"But I'm on a fixed income," the woman retorted. "How the hell am I going to find affordable help?"

Said Dr Hadinoff: "You know that show where that guy does all those shit jobs? I'm on the short list for the Nobel Prize, but, believe me, I was ready to throw it all in and go to work standing up to my ears in cow shit. Seriously, anything had to be better than dealing with this shit."

Eventually, the researchers got the assholes settled down and were able to get images of their brains at rest. On close inspection, the scans revealed certain structural abnormalities to the posterior corpus rumpus section of the brain. (See image above.)

"It's uncanny," said Dr Y Mee. "It's as if their brains had 'asshole' written all over them."

Then the assholes were made to perform certain tasks while their brains were being scanned. In one task, the subjects were asked to imagine lying on a beach on a tropical island.

"What? I'm just supposed to lie there in the hot sun with all the mosquitoes and sandflies and who knows what?" was the typical response. "Screw you, I did that for my second honeymoon, and let me tell you, it wound up to be our first divorce."

In other tasks, the assholes were asked to imagine something good about a member of their family, any accomplishment they could be proud of, a waitress they were nice to, and something that went wrong that they were willing to accept responsibility for. They failed every task spectacularly.

As their brains were thus engaged, a certain part of the posterior corpus rumpus, known as the temporal anal cortex, lit up like a Christmas tree. (See image below.)


















"It's amazing," said Dr Y Mee. "For the first time ever, we are looking into the mind of an asshole - and the last time, I can assure you. Believe me, after what we went through, no one in their right mind is going to want to try to replicate our findings."

The findings are expected to provide valuable insights into radio talk show hosts, Fox News commentators, and antipsychiatry bloggers.

Drs Y Mee and I Hadinoff are at present in intensive therapy. Their prognosis is poor to miserable.

A happy and meaningful April Fools ...

Rerun: Breaking News: Psychiatry Comes Up With New Diagnosis of Asshole

A Knowledge is Necessity exclusive.

In a surprise move expected to be announced shortly, the American Psychiatric Association's Task Force responsible for overseeing the revision of the DSM - psychiatry's diagnostic bible - has come up with the new diagnosis of "Asshole."

Unlike other disorders, episodes, types, and specifiers listed in the DSM, the diagnosis of Asshole fails to mention any symptoms. Nor does it offer a description of the illness.

"Let's put it this way," said Ru Dayborn MD, director of the Darwin Awards Treatment Center at Johns Hopkins and member of the working group that came up with the new diagnosis, "you know one when you see one."

The new diagnosis is the result of heated discussion throughout the Task Force's many working groups, in particular the one responsible for updating the bipolar diagnosis. According to I Gitswoureigh MD of the University of Northern South Dakota, speaking strictly off the record: "We were sick of hearing from our bipolar patients about the bad rap they were getting as a result of Assholes who had mistakenly been diagnosed as bipolar."

Leading bipolar patient advocate Phil Toogood was ecstatic over the news. "It's about time," he commented. "Since the dawn of history we've been putting up with their shit. Every time someone like Charlie Sheen does some asshole thing, people automatically assume the jerk must be bipolar. Maybe now the public won't confuse us."

It isn't just bipolars. Reports Charles Manson from his prison cell: "For years, assholes have been giving us sociopaths a bad name."

The illness is considered chronic and untreatable. When asked to give an example, Dr Dayborn commented, "That's easy. Rush Limbaugh. Say no more." Dr Dayborn did add that Assholes can go on to lead productive lives. "Look at all those idiot commentators on Fox News," he observed. "See, there is hope."

When advised that not every Asshole can aspire to a position on Fox News, Dr Dayborn replied: "No problem. They can always become antipsychiatry bloggers."

The new diagnosis of Asshole is expected to become official in 2013, when the American Psychiatric Association is scheduled to publish the fifth edition of the DSM.

A happy and meaningful April Fools ...

Mel Gibson: Asshole, Not Bipolar

I don't have a TV in the new place I moved into two months ago and I don't intend to change that. Drama and voyeurism I can do without, particularly the interminably ridiculous Mel-Oksana melodrama that is diverting our attention from things that really matter, such as Lindsay Lohan (did I just say that?). But - alas! - people are linking Mel's tirades to bipolar, and here I have to step in. A few points:

People say crazy things when their relationships head south.

This is a normal response to an abnormal situation. Heaven help if my life were on tape - or yours. Yes, Mel said things you or I would never dream of saying, but we also know - deep inside - that there is not much that separates us. Philosophers have been debating this stuff since the first practical application of vocal chords, and Shakespeare's entire body of work is based on that fine dividing line between the God inside us and the beast inside us.

"What piece of work is man ... "

Bipolar is the crazy diagnosis, not the asshole diagnosis.

I have bipolar, which makes me prone to doing crazy things if I am not careful, and sometimes even if I am. But I'm not an asshole. Big distinction. I sometimes find I have to correct people who get the two confused. They see someone acting inappropriately and next thing I'm hearing the B-word used to explain that person's behavior.

No, that's not bipolar, I cut in.

Then what is it? they ask.

That's being an asshole, I reply.

There exists a whole range of personality disorders that can singularly or collectively be defined as "the asshole diagnosis." In the past, I have received angry comments along these lines: "As an asshole, I take great umbrage to what you say." So let me set the record straight:

We all have personality issues in abundance. The world around us is a very scary place to negotiate, particularly when we lose our sense of control. We typically compensate by distorting reality and assigning fictitious traits to others. The eastern mystics put it best when they say that life is an illusion fabricated out of our thoughts. Inevitably, things go wrong. Some of us are more skillful at avoiding life's many pitfalls than others. Others are not.

It's not easy being an asshole. It's also not easy being around one.

Crazy is not related to personality.

Just about every diagnosis in the DSM notes that the behavior in question is "uncharacteristic of the person when not symptomatic." If you are a humanitarian, then, bipolar is not going to turn you into an anti-semite. If you are a closet anti-semite, however, bipolar may expose you as a raging anti-semite. Something like this happened to Mel Gibson three or four years ago. Who knows what was going on in his head. Bipolar may or may not have triggered the outburst, but his loathsome bigotry was of his choosing. 

But crazy and asshole do overlap.

There is no doubt that bipolar both complicates and amplifies the situations in our lives. Anger is often a justifiable reaction to our sense of outrage, but those of us with bipolar are skating on thin ice. We get triggered too quickly. Our vulnerable brains overload, and next thing we lose it. And once we get going, it's very hard to stop. Our racing thoughts take over. 

Maybe something like this happened to Mel Gibson. Or maybe he's just being an asshole. When you're on the receiving end, you shouldn't have to make the distinction. I frequently have to remind those with bipolar that when it comes to relationships, "the bipolar excuse" simply doesn't cut it. The best we can expect are certain accommodations.

It works both ways.

Those of us with bipolar are extremely sensitive to negative situations in our lives, whether from the depressive end or the manic end or those hellish mixed states in between. Our built-in amplifier has a way of turning a barely tolerable situation into one equating to being trapped inside a burning building.

Two weeks ago, I had no choice but to end a personal friendship. She was the "normal" one, but she exploded on me. It was a very painful choice, but one essential to my well-being. I may be "crazy," but I don't need crazy in my life. The world is crazy enough as it is.

Also see Therese Borchard's take on the matter at BeyondBlue.

The Asshole Effect

I came across this piece from last July very much by accident, having forgotten I'd written it. So much for lasting impressions. Anyway, it's a perfect fit to my other recent pieces on the topic of assholes. Enjoy ...

My most recent blog piece focused on the negativity people in my position attract. Call it the asshole effect. We’ve all had to deal with it. Knock on any door, these idiots are everywhere - people who hate Helen Keller, find fault in a sunset, and think cat food is fillet of cat, which they gleefully describe as tasting like chicken.

Their values are not our values. Hate thy neighbor, the Radioactive Plutonium Rule, It is better to receive than to give ... Whereas we struggle mightily trying to become better people, they cruise through life doing what comes naturally. Ironically - they are the miserable ones.

But it tends to be our friends and loved ones who hurt us most. From assholes, we know what to expect. From those close to us, the unexpected amounts to the unkindest cut of all.

Funny thing, a hundred individuals can heap praise on us - yet we vividly recall the one negative comment. Your dear friend throws himself in front of a car to save your life - you’re furious because three days ago he forgot your birthday.

What is it about us?

Today, by pure chance, I came across a blog piece on Psychology Today by self-described generalist, Jeremy Sherman PhD.

“We are all thin skinned,” he writes. “No one likes hearing anything that feels discouraging or critical. We don’t welcome news that feels like a setback, a loss of status, a loss of gained momentum. We find unpleasant anything that seems to say, ‘you missed a spot’ ..."

No surprise here. Here’s the eye-opener. Citing Jonah Lehrer, author of “How We Decide,” Dr Sherman documents how “loss aversion” contributes to irrational behavior: “Loss aversion explains why sustainable partnerships are ones in which positive encounters outweigh negative ones, five to one.”

Wait! Hold on! It takes FIVE positive encounters to offset ONE negative one? Apparently so. Not only that, any interaction only slightly ambiguous tends to get moved into the negative column. No wonder we’re so miserable.

I’m assuming Dr Sherman is talking about normal people. What about poor shmucks like us? We depressive types can’t seem to help it. We tend to give no weight to positive events and assign disproportionate value to the negative ones. Not only that, we tend to interpret neutral or only slightly encouraging events as negative.

So what does it take for us to balance the scales? A hundred positive events? No wonder we’re so miserable. Fortunately (I use the term loosely) I have bipolar. I have a tendency to over-react to good news. For instance, today I found out that a meteor did not fall on my head, and I’m ecstatic about that.

So what is going on here? Can we point to a system malfunction in the brain? Last month, at the Eighth International Conference on Bipolar Disorder in Pittsburgh, I came across a recent fMRI study that pinpointed a certain location in the brain that appears to be responsible for bipolars over-reacting to both reward and disappointment.

It’s as if we can’t turn our brains off.

The brain studies are coming in thick and fast. A lot of stuff is going on beneath the skull. Naturally, it’s easy - with our brains, especially - to interpret these findings as proof that we’re hard-wired for failure. Not necessarily. The brain is a work-in-progress and we can influence its development.

Granted, sometimes - often - it seems like we’re pushing a rock uphill. It helps if we have four muscular individuals in our scrum, shoulders to the boulder. But all it takes is one asshole, perched smugly above, with an extended pinky jabbing at our rock.

Screw you, asshole! This rock is running you over!

The Asshole Diagnosis - And the Asshole Paradox

Finally, it's out in the open. On April Fools Day, I reran my two previous "Asshole" blog posts. The first one, Psychiatry Comes Up with New Diagnosis of Asshole, reported that the new diagnosis offers neither symptoms nor a description, but that "you know one when you see one." The piece noted that bipolars have complained bitterly since the dawn of time over being confused with assholes.

So have sociopaths. As Charles Manson from his prison cell observed: "For years, assholes have been giving us sociopaths a bad name."

So who are we talking about, really? In a comment to my first piece, Registered Psych Nurse wrote:

You do know that this unofficial diagnosis has been used by staff in cutting edge mental health units for decades already. It is an optional term for antisocial or borderline personality disordered individuals, as part of staff dark humor and calling spades spades really. Not all a-holes have aspd or borderline PD it is true, but the vast majority with these disorders do qualify as a-holes.

She goes on to say:

Certainly there is an issue with borderline PDs being misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder - hence the borderline a-holes are bringing an undeserved bad name on real bipolars. Blame the pharmaceutical companies, they encourage Drs to shunt the borderlines under the bipolar classification because this way it's allowable to prescribe more drugs to them. Not ones that they need but oh well. I guess the pharmaceutical pushers may be a-holes too.

Thank you, Registered Psych Nurse for finally putting the issue on the table. Screw being polite. Screw being PC. Let's embrace Registered Psych Nurse for calling it as it truly is, namely: Borderline is the true Asshole diagnosis.

Hear me out:

I got motivated to investigate this in depth about five years ago when I was on the board of a state DBSA back east. It turned out our board was way over-represented by assholes. It also turned out that since these individuals predictably lacked the capacity to hold down a job or a relationship they had all the time in the world to drive people like me crazy.

Since I had the bad luck to be temporarily serving as board president, I had to be nice to these assholes. I put up with their manipulations and lying and backstabbing, their petty complaints, their hissy fits, their meltdowns, their gossip, their personal abuse, their poison pen emails ... It goes on and on. And on and on.

This can't possibly be bipolar behavior, I reasoned. This has to be something else. Then a light went off.

For years, psychiatry has been treating all emotionally volatile individuals as if they had bipolar.  That is beginning to change, but we have a long way to go. Last year, in recognition of May as borderline personality disorder month, I did a four-part series on borderline, which essentially boils down to this:

When those with mood disorders respond to treatment they go back to being nice people again (or at least only minor dickheads). Those with borderline remain assholes.

Now here's the tragedy, as I see it: A true asshole is totally unaware of his or her condition. They act as if the whole rest of the world is at fault. They don't want to change. This is very much the opposite of someone seeking out psychiatric or therapeutic services. They know something is wrong. They want to change.

But they're frustrated in their mission if they're given a bipolar diagnosis. They seek help willing to take responsibility, and instead are sent out the door with a prescription and a sense of absolution.

This is an entirely different proposition from those who have received a correct diagnosis, who have accepted their diagnosis, and are willing to put in the work. Call it the asshole paradox: Simply by owning up to the fact of being an asshole, you are well on your way to becoming an ex-asshole.

(Think of the individual in the picture caught on the horns of a dilemma.)

So, yes, let's call a spade a spade: Borderline is the asshole diagnosis. But let's also recognize the asshole paradox.

Let's also recognize the exceptional bravery of those who are willing to own up to their diagnosis in the company of others. It would be so much easier for them to hide behind a bipolar diagnosis. Trust me, the stigma of having bipolar is nothing compared to what those with borderline have to put up with. A little enlightenment from the rest of us is long overdue.

As for true assholes, screw 'em.


Further reading from Knowledge is Necessity:

May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month
Borderline Personality Disorder - Searching for Respect
Piecing Together the Borderline Puzzle
The Borderline Personality Disorder Matzoh Ball

Rerun: Breaking News: Psychiatry Comes Up With New Diagnosis of Asshole

A Knowledge is Necessity exclusive.

In a surprise move expected to be announced shortly, the American Psychiatric Association's Task Force responsible for overseeing the revision of the DSM - psychiatry's diagnostic bible - has come up with the new diagnosis of "Asshole."

Unlike other disorders, episodes, types, and specifiers listed in the DSM, the diagnosis of Asshole fails to mention any symptoms. Nor does it offer a description of the illness.

"Let's put it this way," said E Pontius Paella MD, director of the Darwin Awards Treatment Center at Johns Hopkins and member of the working group that came up with the new diagnosis, "you know one when you see one."

The new diagnosis is the result of heated discussion throughout the Task Force's many working groups, in particular the one responsible for updating the bipolar diagnosis. According to bipolar group member S Belinda Humphries MD of the University of Northern South Dakota, speaking strictly off the record: "We were sick of hearing from our bipolar patients about the bad rap they were getting as a result of Assholes who had mistakenly been diagnosed as bipolar."

Leading bipolar patient advocate Phil Toogood was ecstatic over the news. "It's about time," he commented. "Since the dawn of history we've been putting up with their shit. Every time someone does some asshole thing, people automatically assume the jerk must be bipolar. Maybe now the public won't confuse us."

It isn't just bipolars. Reports Charles Manson from his prison cell: "For years, assholes have been giving us sociopaths a bad name."

The illness is considered chronic and untreatable. When asked to give an example, Dr Paella commented, "That's easy. Rush Limbaugh. Say no more." Dr Paella did add that Assholes can go on to lead productive lives. "Look at all those idiot commentators on Fox News," he observed. "See, there is hope."

When advised that not every Asshole can aspire to a position on Fox News, Dr Paella replied: "No problem. They can always become antipsychiatry bloggers."

The new diagnosis of Asshole is expected to become official in 2013, when the American Psychiatric Association is scheduled to publish the fifth edition of the DSM.

Rerun: New Imaging Studies Reveal Brains of Assholes

In a study about to be published in "Nature," researchers at the NIMH reveal the first-ever fMRI scans of assholes at work.

Said lead researcher Y Mee MD, PhD, "We've always known an asshole when we see one, but it never occurred to us to actually scan their brains. I mean, seriously, who would want to?"

Nevertheless, the researchers overcame their strong revulsion and recruited 10 assholes plus 10 control subjects.

"I mean - crap - I was ready to quit my job in the first five minutes of the study," said co-author I Hadinoff PhD. First the assholes filled out their intake forms completely wrong, then abused the staff when they had to fill them out again. Next, they kept pushing and shoving to be the first one into the MRI machine. But once in, they couldn't stop complaining.

This posed a special difficulty because study protocol required that first the assholes' brains be scanned while in a resting state.

"So here we are," said Dr Hadinoff, "having to be nice to these fucking assholes. No sooner do I get one calmed down than another one gets started, and next thing they're all setting each other off like mousetraps going off in a room."

One asshole lady complained that her no-good son-in-law refused to finish cleaning the leaves out of her gutter, as he had promised. A world-class therapist had to be called in to remind the individual that her son-in-law had fallen off the ladder while she was shaking it and had cracked nine vertebrae and would be a quadriplegic the rest of his life.

"But I'm on a fixed income," the woman retorted. "How the hell am I going to find affordable help?"

Said Dr Hadinoff: "You know that show where that guy does all those shit jobs? I'm on the short list for the Nobel Prize, but, believe me, I was ready to throw it all in and go to work standing up to my ears in cow shit. Seriously, anything had to be better than dealing with this shit."

Eventually, the researchers got the assholes settled down and were able to get images of their brains at rest. On close inspection, the scans revealed certain structural abnormalities to the posterior corpus rumpus section of the brain. (See image above.)

"It's uncanny," said Dr Y Mee. "It's as if their brains had 'asshole' written all over them."

Then the assholes were made to perform certain tasks while their brains were being scanned. In one task, the subjects were asked to imagine lying on a beach on a tropical island.

"What? I'm just supposed to lie there in the hot sun with all the mosquitoes and sandflies and who knows what?" was the typical response. "Screw you, I did that for my second honeymoon, and let me tell you, it wound up to be our first divorce."

In other tasks, the assholes were asked to imagine something good about a member of their family, any accomplishment they could be proud of, a waitress they were nice to, and something that went wrong that they were willing to accept responsibility for. They failed every task spectacularly.

As their brains were thus engaged, a certain part of the posterior corpus rumpus, known as the temporal anal cortex, lit up like a Christmas tree. (See image below.)


















"It's amazing," said Dr Y Mee. "For the first time ever, we are looking into the mind of an asshole - and the last time, I can assure you. Believe me, after what we went through, no one in their right mind is going to want to try to replicate our findings."

The findings are expected to provide valuable insights into radio talk show hosts, Fox News commentators, and antipsychiatry bloggers.

Drs Y Mee and I Hadinoff are at present in intensive therapy. Their prognosis is poor to miserable.

The Asshole Effect

My most recent blog piece focused on the negativity people in my position attract. Call it the asshole effect. We’ve all had to deal with it. Knock on any door, these idiots are everywhere - people who hate Helen Keller, find fault in a sunset, and think cat food is fillet of cat, which they gleefully describe as tasting like chicken.

Their values are not our values. Hate thy neighbor, the Radioactive Plutonium Rule, It is better to receive than to give ... Whereas we struggle mightily trying to become better people, they cruise through life doing what comes naturally. Ironically - they are the miserable ones.

But it tends to be our friends and loved ones who hurt us most. From assholes, we know what to expect. From those close to us, the unexpected amounts to the unkindest cut of all.

Funny thing, a hundred individuals can heap praise on us - yet we vividly recall the one negative comment. Your dear friend throws himself in front of a car to save your life - you’re furious because three days ago he forgot your birthday.

What is it about us?

Today, by pure chance, I came across a blog piece on Psychology Today by self-described generalist, Jeremy Sherman PhD.

“We are all thin skinned,” he writes. “No one likes hearing anything that feels discouraging or critical. We don’t welcome news that feels like a setback, a loss of status, a loss of gained momentum. We find unpleasant anything that seems to say, ‘you missed a spot’ ..."

No surprise here. Here’s the eye-opener. Citing Jonah Lehrer, author of “How We Decide,” Dr Sherman documents how “loss aversion” contributes to irrational behavior: “Loss aversion explains why sustainable partnerships are ones in which positive encounters outweigh negative ones, five to one.”

Wait! Hold on! It takes FIVE positive encounters to offset ONE negative one? Apparently so. Not only that, any interaction only slightly ambiguous tends to get moved into the negative column. No wonder we’re so miserable.

I’m assuming Dr Sherman is talking about normal people. What about poor shmucks like us? We depressive types can’t seem to help it. We tend to give no weight to positive events and assign disproportionate value to the negative ones. Not only that, we tend to interpret neutral or only slightly encouraging events as negative.

So what does it take for us to balance the scales? A hundred positive events? No wonder we’re so miserable. Fortunately (I use the term loosely) I have bipolar. I have a tendency to over-react to good news. For instance, today I found out that a meteor did not fall on my head, and I’m ecstatic about that.

So what is going on here? Can we point to a system malfunction in the brain? Last month, at the Eighth International Conference on Bipolar Disorder in Pittsburgh, I came across a recent fMRI study that pinpointed a certain location in the brain that appears to be responsible for bipolars over-reacting to both reward and disappointment.

It’s as if we can’t turn our brains off.

The brain studies are coming in thick and fast. A lot of stuff is going on beneath the skull. Naturally, it’s easy - with our brains, especially - to interpret these findings as proof that we’re hard-wired for failure. Not necessarily. The brain is a work-in-progress and we can influence its development.

Granted, sometimes - often - it seems like we’re pushing a rock uphill. It helps if we have four muscular individuals in our scrum, shoulders to the boulder. But all it takes is one asshole, perched smugly above, with an extended pinky jabbing at our rock.

Screw you, asshole! This rock is running you over!

New Imaging Studies Reveal Brains of Assholes

In a study about to be published in "Nature," researchers at the NIMH reveal the first-ever fMRI scans of assholes at work.

Said lead researcher Y Mee MD, PhD, "We've always known an asshole when we see one, but it never occurred to us to actually scan their brains. I mean, seriously, who would want to?"

Nevertheless, the researchers overcame their strong revulsion and recruited 10 assholes plus 10 control subjects.

"I mean - crap - I was ready to quit my job in the first five minutes of the study," said co-author I Hadinoff PhD. First the assholes filled out their intake forms completely wrong, then abused the staff when they had to fill them out again. Next, they kept pushing and shoving to be the first one into the MRI machine. But once in, they couldn't stop complaining.

This posed a special difficulty because study protocol required that first the assholes' brains be scanned while in a resting state.

"So here we are," said Dr Hadinoff, "having to be nice to these fucking assholes. No sooner do I get one calmed down than another one gets started, and next thing they're all setting each other off like mousetraps going off in a room."

One asshole lady complained that her no-good son-in-law refused to finish cleaning the leaves out of her gutter, as he had promised. A world-class therapist had to be called in to remind the individual that her son-in-law had fallen off the ladder while she was shaking it and had cracked nine vertebrae and would be a quadriplegic the rest of his life.

"But I'm on a fixed income," the woman retorted. "How the hell am I going to find affordable help?"

Said Dr Hadinoff: "You know that show where that guy does all those shit jobs? I'm on the short list for the Nobel Prize, but, believe me, I was ready to throw it all in and go to work standing up to my ears in cow shit. Seriously, anything had to be better than dealing with this shit."

Eventually, the researchers got the assholes settled down and were able to get images of their brains at rest. On close inspection, the scans revealed certain structural abnormalities to the posterior corpus rumpus section of the brain. (See image above.)

"It's uncanny," said Dr Y Mee. "It's as if their brains had 'asshole' written all over them."

Then the assholes were made to perform certain tasks while their brains were being scanned. In one task, the subjects were asked to imagine lying on a beach on a tropical island.

"What? I'm just supposed to lie there in the hot sun with all the mosquitoes and sandflies and who knows what?" was the typical response. "Screw you, I did that for my second honeymoon, and let me tell you, it wound up to be our first divorce."

In other tasks, the assholes were asked to imagine something good about a member of their family, any accomplishment they could be proud of, a waitress they were nice to, and something that went wrong that they were willing to accept responsibility for. They failed every task spectacularly.

As their brains were thus engaged, a certain part of the posterior corpus rumpus, known as the temporal anal cortex, lit up like a Christmas tree. (See image below.)


















"It's amazing," said Dr Y Mee. "For the first time ever, we are looking into the mind of an asshole - and the last time, I can assure you. Believe me, after what we went through, no one in their right mind is going to want to try to replicate our findings."

The findings are expected to provide valuable insights into radio talk show hosts, Fox News commentators, and antipsychiatry bloggers.

Drs Y Mee and I Hadinoff are at present in intensive therapy. Their prognosis is poor to miserable.

Breaking News: Psychiatry Comes Up With New Diagnosis of Asshole

A Knowledge is Necessity exclusive.

In a surprise move expected to be announced shortly, the American Psychiatric Association's Task Force responsible for overseeing the revision of the DSM - psychiatry's diagnostic bible - has come up with the new diagnosis of "Asshole."

Unlike other disorders, episodes, types, and specifiers listed in the DSM, the diagnosis of Asshole fails to mention any symptoms. Nor does it offer a description of the illness.

"Let's put it this way," said E Pontius Paella MD, director of the Darwin Awards Treatment Center at Johns Hopkins and member of the working group that came up with the new diagnosis, "you know one when you see one."

The new diagnosis is the result of heated discussion throughout the Task Force's many working groups, in particular the one responsible for updating the bipolar diagnosis. According to bipolar group member S Belinda Humphries MD of the University of Northern South Dakota, speaking strictly off the record: "We were sick of hearing from our bipolar patients about the bad rap they were getting as a result of Assholes who had mistakenly been diagnosed as bipolar."

Leading bipolar patient advocate Phil Toogood was ecstatic over the news. "It's about time," he commented. "Since the dawn of history we've been putting up with their shit. Every time someone does some asshole thing, people automatically assume the jerk must be bipolar. Maybe now the public won't confuse us."

It isn't just bipolars. Reports Charles Manson from his prison cell: "For years, assholes have been giving us sociopaths a bad name."

The illness is considered chronic and untreatable. When asked to give an example, Dr Paella commented, "That's easy. Rush Limbaugh. Say no more." Dr Paella did add that Assholes can go on to lead productive lives. "Look at all those idiot commentators on Fox News," he observed. "See, there is hope."

When advised that not every Asshole can aspire to a position on Fox News, Dr Paella replied: "No problem. They can always become antipsychiatry bloggers."

The new diagnosis of Asshole is expected to become official in 2012, when the American Psychiatric Association is scheduled to publish the fifth edition of the DSM.